Movie Review: Major League

To do a classic review of a movie that is as old as Major League seems silly. Instead, take a quick trip down memory lane with me and enjoy Major League as if I were watching it with you.

My notes don’t cover the plot so as a quick refresher.  Ex-Vegas show girl Rachel Phelps inherits the Cleveland Indians from her now deceased husband. She hates Cleveland and Miami has offered her a sweetheart deal to move the Indians to Miami. The only way she can get out of her stadium lease in Cleveland is for the team to draw less than 800 thousand total fans for the season. Her plan is to field a team of very bad players making the team unwatchable. Little did she realize that the players would bond against her and earn a trip the playoffs winning the American League East in a one game playoff over the New York Yankees.

– Love the old school stars scrolling in over the mountain for the Paramount intro, makes me think of Raiders of the Lost Ark.1

– Absolutely amazing to see that Wesley Snipes is not one of the top billed actors and wow Dennis Haysbert is group billed!

– Rachel Phelps has a lap dog. Were they a thing in the 80’s?

– I love how spring training is 2 weeks away and the owner just wants to invite people now. Imagine Boston with no hot stove? There might be some hockey fans in this town.

– “This guy is dead.” I like to think that the guy being referenced is @OldHossRadbourn

– I think Rachel Phelps gets all her baseball acumen from Haywood Sullivan in promoting the manager to general manager 2 weeks before the season starts.

I figured out who Rachel Phelps is, Paris Hilton before Paris Hilton finally gets desperate enough to marry an old rich guy because she has been written out of her Hilton inheritance.

– I’ve woken up in a room with a chicken in it just like Jake Taylor, only difference, I wasn’t in Mexico.

– Lou Brown debating managing the Cleveland Indians or continuing to sell white walls tells you every thing you need to know about what baseball was like a generation ago. I miss it.

– Charlie Sheen’s haircut is WINNING!

– Jack Bauer’s president is really from Cuba and defected for religious freedoms to worship voodoo?

– I need a pair of Willie Mays Hayes shoes for next years Mighty Mighty Bosstones Home Town Throwdown.

– Wesley Snipes was once a pleasant chipper actor!

– Lou Brown, “My kind of team Charlie, my kind of team.” The original “nobody believes in us” team.

– I can’t imagine a team of all Major League players all staying in one dorm room in bunk beds. Imagine Jeter sleeping on top of A-Rod?

– “Hats for bats, keep bats warm. Buy All-State.”

– Wesley Snipes really does have great comic timing. Wish he had used it in the last 20 years.

– Lou Brown’s worst line, “We wear caps and sleeves at this level.” Sleeves? I’m hurt.

– The actual baseball being played by the actors is exceptional. It is hard to be that good or intentionally bad.

– I hope a manager takes a piss on a prima donna’s contract this spring training.

– I can’t believe we fictionally elected Pedro “Jobu” Cerrano president.

– What would Jesus do to hit a curve ball?

– I found the Lindbergh baby, he is a player on the Indian’s Spring Training roster.

– Where does Cerrano keep the snake he uses for good luck before opening his locker? Wouldn’t you think he would keep it in the locker?

– Oh Rick Vaughn surely forgot about Dorn, so much so he fucked his wife. Oh sorry, that was a spoiler.

– Fan chatter about the opening day roster is best summarized by the groundskeepers. “They’re shitty”. Reminds me of the chatter in Boston leading up to spring training 2012.

– As a guy who studied movies in college, the fore shadowing in Major League is incredible. On the level with another great 80’s movie, Back to the Future.

– Sleeveless Rick Vaughn in a tie asking about chili dogs in a fine french restaurant is a scene straight out of my life.

– Rene Russo giving Jake Taylor a 555 number? He should know that isn’t a real number. Fell for the oldest trick in the book.

– My dad has the same mustache as Lou Brown.

– The religious war between Harris and Cerrano is a great running gag. Harris’s line after Cerrano sets off the gun powder, “Ok, shit, let’s pray.” Classic and underrated. And then later when Cerrano does the Catholic crossing of the chest and Harris’s tells Cerrano “Oh, so now you come around.” He points to heaven and then says, “He isn’t fooled’. All done while reading a Hustler.

– Bob Ueker! But where is Mr. Belvedere?

– A great coaching moment by Lou Brown raising him up while getting his point across with one sentence, “Great catch Hayes, don’t ever fucking do it again.”

– Just a bit outside, ball 4, ball 8, ball 12, looks a lot like a game of 8 year olds I once umpired.

– “How’s your wife and my kid?”, a line I use often when bartending.

– After seeing Rick Vaughn’s meltdown in his first MLB game we shouldn’t have been so surprised Charlie Sheen was so good at going off the deep end.

– Glasses in the 1980’s had really, really, really bad frames.

– Rene Russo’s “What a bunch of bull shit! I have a much better body than she does!” in the middle of the library is absolutely spectacular.

– Why aren’t more waitresses dressed like French Maids?

– Randy Newman’s “Burn On” really does great things for the pacing on this movie.

– I absolutely love the who’s dick is bigger scene between Jake Taylor and Rene Russo’s fiance.

– Rick Vaughn’s earring is ridiculous, and even after seeing it Barry Bonds wore a similar one.

– I love seeing a 2 person wave. Be sure to keep an eye for it at Fenway Park in 2012.

– Only Roger Dorn would have a solarium, call it a solarium and know about whether its design was Oriental or Santa Fe.

– The Molina’s have truly taken over Major League baseball as there is even a Molina who plays short stop for the Indians!

– I want to drive a bullpen car through the streets of a major city some day.

– “Haywood’s a convicted felon Monty, isn’t he?”
“Doesn’t really say here.”
“Well he should be.”
Classic Bob Ueker commentary. Probably his best non sequiter of the movie.

– The Red Sox were so bad in this movie that Jake Taylor threw out a would be base stealer. The only one he throws out in the whole movie. Even in fiction the Red Sox disappoint me.

– Rick Vaughn wearing a sleeveless tuxedo has me mildly aroused.

– In the celebration at the team’s hotel after they have earned a 1 game playoff with the New York Yankees, the local reporter doing his live shot looks like a young John Clayton.

– “I didn’t know who she was, I swear to God.” That defense never works.

– FRIED CHICKEN IN THE CLUBHOUSE! Major League was the reason the 2011 Boston Red Sox pitching staff thought it was ok to eat Popeye’s in the clubhouse.

– I miss VGA stadium screens and their awful corny graphics.

– Wow Yankee number 37 on first and at the plate at the same time. Oops. I’m also surprised that the Yankees allowed Casey Stengal’s retired number to be used in the movie.

– Weird seeing anyone but Jeter wearing number 2 for the Yankees, even if he is playing short stop.

– Wesley Snipes has almost every laugh out loud moment in the movie.

– When Rick Vaughn walks to the mound to “Wild Thing” I get the same level of chills as when Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Chebacca walk into the Throne Room at the end of Star Wars A New Hope. That is seriously high praise from me.2

– The only movie strikeout I’ve ever audibly cheered for more than once in my life. I still don’t believe its going to happen. Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood count must have been astronomical, even Master Yoda doesn’t have a tiger blood count that high!

– Bob Uecker’s jacket looks exactly like the jackets the Mighty Mighty Bosstones were selling at the 2011 Hometown Throwdown. I love it. I want it, complete with the big ass Chief Wahoo logo on the breast pocket.

That’s it, the movie is pitch perfect3 and the final shot with Cerrano and Taylor holding up Rene Russo with Vaughn and Hayes pointing at each other is a perfect final shot.

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  1. I’ve already lost focus and not 1 frame of the movie has run []
  2. if you don’t believe me ask @miscastmusic []
  3. what a pun! []

4 thoughts on “Movie Review: Major League

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