Movie Review: The Replacements

NOT "Enormously Funny!"

NOT “Enormously Funny!”

To do a classic review of a movie that is as bad as The Replacements seems silly. Instead, take a quick trip down memory lane with me and enjoy The Replacements as if I were watching it with me and appreciate all my sarcasm and wit!

My notes don’t cover the plot in total, so as a quick refresher.  The NFL, I mean professional football league, player’s association is striking. There are 4 games left in the season and the owners are going to bring in replacement players. The movie focuses on the Washington Redskins, I mean Sentinels. The Sentinels need to win 3 of 4 games to make the playoffs, something they haven’t done in 7 seasons.

-LIT! We all remember Lit right? They had that song about “sleeping with my clothes on”, but this isn’t that song. This is their song “Zip-Lock”. While I sort of liked that album in 1998, now in 2014, its marks the opening of the movie as SUPER dated.

-It’s Mr. Anderson with long hair, on a boat, on a dinghy, in scuba gear, cleaning barnacles. He finds his old All-American football trophy rusting at the bottom of the ocean. He takes the football part of it off, pretends to take a snap, throws a pass and celebrates as if he just won the Sugar Bowl.

-Jack Warden! Former ginger, great in Dirty Work and The Great Muppet Caper!

-The striking players sound like total douchebags. Complaining about how their 7 million dollar deals aren’t really 7 million dollars because they have to pay x and y and z. Like I said, douchebags.

-Gene Hackman! Pouring a drink for himself and Warden. Scotch by the looks of it. Tasty.

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If you haven’t seen Warden in The Great Muppet Caper, what the fuck is wrong with you?

-Warden tells Hackman the season is will go on with replacement players. Warden wants Hackman to coach the team, win 3 out of 4 games and make the playoffs. Easy, right? Hackman flips a coin and takes the gig, with the caveat that he has total control of football operations.

-At this point this is starting to shape up like a football version of Major League. Hackman has a list of players he wants to get that are very land of misfit toy like, but unlike Rachel Phelps, Hackman plans to win. The grounds crew would say, “They’re shitty.”

GUTTER!  P-C-U! P-C-U!

GUTTER! P-C-U! P-C-U!

Orlando Jones! Now I'm thirsty for 7-up.

7-UP GUY!

 

 

 

 

 

-Drunk Welshman soccer player as the kicker, very much a cliche, but worth it and called the leg, “he’s wiry”.

-Keanu Reeves is Shane Falco is Mr. Anderson.

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Imagine if Neo took the blue pill?

-Hackman is recruiting Mr. Anderson to follow the white rabbit himself and is very convincing, but Mr. Anderson is hesitant to take the red pill. Its going to be a short movie if he takes the blue pill. I mean who is going to play QB instead, Alex Winter, aka the OTHER Wyld Stallion?

-The striking players wait outside the stadium picketing and harassing the replacement players. It becomes a running gag of sorts. The first time when they are egging the bus looks very much like that Kevin Garnett Beats by Dre ad.

kg

I really wish KG had retired.

Screen shot 2014-01-28 at 3.31.53 PM

Did 7-UP retire?

 

 

 

 

 

-And wow, watching this with a close eye, every Major League stereotype is there!

-The deaf tight end reminds me of former MLB outfielder Curtis Pride.

-The leg is sleeveless!

Ray-Lewis-jail

A felon! Ray Lewis, I mean the felon, is in a sleeveless prison jumpsuit!

No Cuban Slugger here, instead a Japanese Sumo Wrestler!

No Cuban Slugger here, instead a Japanese Sumo Wrestler!

-Neo owns a little black pick up, its not an Isuzu Pup, but its pretty close!

NOT Neo's pick up.

That is NOT Neo’s pick up.

If this bus goes under 88mph we are gonna see some serious shit.

If this baby goes under 88mph we are gonna see some serious shit.

That's MY Isuzu Pup!

That’s MY Isuzu Pup!

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Spray paint on a pickup is a bit tacky, don’t you think?

-The pretty boy high paid Roger Dorn character is the striking quarterback Martell.

-Neo runs onto the field, his first throw is a bomb, a WHOA! inspiring bomb, but oddly without the WHOA!

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Gutter sacks Neo. A no-no in practice. Gutter is insane though.

Trinity pissed

Trinity pissed

-What fucking song is this? What fucking band is this? Its obviously the bull shit romance theme introducing Neo’s love interest, but I’VE NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE. Trinity is going to be pissed.

-Yeah baby, baby. Gutter sacks Neo again.

-Cheerleader tryouts. Bad cheerleader tryouts. Its like the first episode of American Idol.

-Its Young MC, so bust a move! As I’ve tweeted in the past, he really should change his name to Middle Aged MC.

-Orlando Jones, the 7-up man and dropsies wide receiver, is carrying a football everywhere, very football accurate. Thats the only time I mention football accuracy in this review.

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How is there no 7-UP in this shot?

Gutter, the SWAT officer, and Aaron Hernandez, I mean the felon, have lunch together.

Gutter, the SWAT officer, and Aaron Hernandez, I mean the felon, have lunch together.

-2 strippers show up for cheerleading tryouts, “Is lap dancing a style?”

Trinity pissed

Trinity bull shit

-Neo meets Annabell in the parking lot. Trinity is watching on the Nebuchadnezzar and is bull shit.

-Annabelle is insanely driving Neo home, and has tons of info on that week’s opponent from opponent’s cheerleaders. Even though cheerleaders don’t travel to other cheerleaders cities.

-Annabell doesn’t date football players. IF THAT WERE TRUE YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THE MOVIE!

-Side note: Rene Russo in Major League is way hotter than whoever the fuck Annabelle is.

-Hackman is being extremely fatherly to Neo, just like Morpheus. Scary how similar the roles are.

The hat makes Hackman.

The hat makes Hackman.

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The tie makes Morpheus.

 

 

 

 

 

-Nextel Stadium, CHIRP!

-Unlike the Washington Redskins, I mean Sentinels, the Detroit Lions, I mean, I don’t know what I mean, I just know its not Lions, bought an entire semi-pro team! I coached a semi-pro team! It could have been me!

-The Hawaiian is bulking up eating hard boiled eggs in pregame. A lot like a certain Cuban wanted to sacrifice a live chicken.

-Before they even get a play off the lineman are fighting over spots in the huddle resulting in Neo taking a left cross and 10 negative penalty yards.

-Neo fumbles.

-TD Detroit 7-0.

-Hey its the song “Rock and Roll part 2”, every time this is played Gary Glitter buys more child porn.

-Neo completes 2 passes back to back putting them in field goal range.

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Over the bar, not under it!

-The leg comes out for a field goal try. Hackman has to ensure the leg knows that the ball needs to go over the bar, not under it. Neo is the holder, desperation football or desperation movie making? Both at their finest!

-Cheerleader strippers can’t spell. I guess they aren’t really working their way through college.

LT

Lawrence Taylor, I mean the felon, gets a pick-6.

-Hackman tells Gutter he needs to snag the pea.

-And, I’ll be damned, that weasel snagged the pea.

-1 pass, glory, 1 pass before Neo goes.

-Player tackled into a helicopter spin, short of the end zone, but still fulfills the Elway cliche.

-Hackman calls out Neo, just like Morpheus would, for being scared, telling him “I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.” or something like that.

-In jail, after beating up the striking players, Neo asks his teammates, “can’t we all just get along?” Really? Who wrote this thing? The last guy who thought In Living Color was still funny?

-In jail they all start dancing to “I Will Survive”. Sadly not the Cake version.

Trinity pissed

Trinity angrier

-Annabelle visits Neo on his houseboat. She rubs wild yam on Neo’s sore muscles. She is starting to fall for Neo, inviting him to her bar. Trinity grows angrier.

-Sidenote: Speaking of Trinity what the fuck happened to Catherine Anne-Moss? After perusing her IMDB, apparently nothing. She was in a movie called, The Boy Who Smelled like Fish. I guess that’s better than the The Vagina that Smelled like Fish.

-The striking players roll Neo’s car again. The brother guards shoot up Martell’s car and so they roll it back.

-The best part about sports locker room scenes is the obvious support for the sleeveless cause.

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FEAR!

-Hackman’s locker room speech is about fear. The 7-up guy doesn’t get it. Neo steps up and talks about quicksand. They all realize they are afraid of returning from whence they came.

-Game 2, down 16-0 to the San Diego Chargers, I mean some mascot other than Chargers.

-Neo wants the dominant defensive lineman to come free. Neo throws the ball and hits him in the crown of the helmet, the ball bounces straight up, the deaf TE takes out the lineman and the Hawaiian catches the ball and rumbles into the end zone for a TD.

I’ve said it before. I miss team TD celebrations. Worst thing NFL ever got rid of.

I miss team TD celebrations. Worst thing NFL ever got rid of.

-The cheerleaders are stripping. I’m in favor of it. So is the other team. So much so they can’t focus on the game.

-EVERYBODY DANCE NOW! Remember that jam? No? Come on I can’t be the only one.

Another interception by Pacman Jones, I mean the felon!

Another interception by Pacman Jones, I mean the felon!

Trinity pissed

Trinity nauseous

-TD Washington on a scramble when Neo ends up underneath the cheerleaders, they all have their clothes on though so its a cute moment for Neo and Annabelle. I just threw up in my mouth. Trinity is with me.

-Neo is on the field for the onside kick and because Gutter has snagged the pea (again!) Neo has to tackle him so they can have 1 more play before the clock expires.

-The leg is going to try a 65 yard FG. Neo is his holder.

Yes, this man kicked a record setting field goal

Yes, this man kicked a record setting field goal

-Its GOOD! They win 17-16!

-The fans are falling for this Redskins, I mean Sentinel’s, team. Just like Cleveland fell for the Indians in Major League.

Trinity pissed

Trinity sympathetically restrained

-Annabelle owns a bar she inherited from her dead dad. Trinity is mildly sympathetic, don’t worry that won’t last long.

-If you are going to put Sting on your soundtrack make sure you can fucking hear it.

-Neo kisses Annabell on the cheek, they look longingly at each other, we can finally hear Sting singing about “how you belong to me”, bad commentary by Summerall and Madden as Neo kisses Annabelle. Trinity need to be restrained. The kiss cuts immediately to the next game.

-The 7-up guy still can’t catch.

-Football inaccuracy alert, they call a timeout after an incomplete pass.

-Hackman puts stickem on the 7-up guys hands, 7-up says “it looks like I just jacked off an elephant.” I feel there was a better joke there.

-7-up catches the ball! TD as “You’re Unbelievable” plays in the background.

-Do they kick an extra point to tie the game? Nope, they go for the 2 point conversion to win.

-Neo throws a bad pass but gets away with and Washington wins!

-And another great team TD celebration! You know, if a defense thinks its disrespectful to see a team TD celebration, they shouldn’t allow TDs.

What is 7-up wearing? It looks like a fishnet. At least its sleeveless.

What is 7-up wearing? It looks like a fishnet. At least its sleeveless.

 -7-up is bragging to a reporter in the third person, Gutter pushes him into his locker. Love it.

-Jack Warden tells Hackman that Martell is going to cross the picket line and play in the final game. Hackman is pissed.

-Hackman now has to tell Neo that Martell has crossed. Neo is upset but understanding just like when the Oracle tells Neo he isn’t the 1.

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Trinity relieved

-Hackman tells Neo he has heart, this will likely come up later. Trinity is relieved, Neo can come home.

-Martell comes into the locker room and shits on Neo, figuratively.

-Neo and Annabelle have a date.

-One of the strippers uses some sign language with the deaf TE to tell him that she wants to blow him. I don’t know sign language, but it was very effective.

Sign language for Dummies

Sign language for Dummies

-Neo tells the team he is out, they are upset and toast him deservedly.

Trinity pleased

Trinity pleased

-Annabelle fulfills the movie cliche of lighting the candles for her date with Neo. They cut between her and Neo and the candles burn down to the stubbs. Trinity is pleased.

-Final game of the season, the Martell led Washington against the Dallas Cowboys, I mean some other mascot besides Cowboys. If Washington wins, they are in the playoffs.

-The Washington fans hate Martell, Martell gets crushed. Washington fumbles, Dallas ball on the 2.

-TD Dallas.

-The team is struggling with Martell at QB. The deaf TE fumbles.

-TD Dallas, 17-0

-Another bad Martell pass and Martell is a douchebag.

-Going to the locker room Hackman tells the sideline reporter, sadly not OJ, that they need heart. Told you it would come back.

-Martell is benched for Neo.

-”Rock and Roll part 2” again. The poor children!

-Remember when Rick Vaughn comes out of the bullpen at the end of Major League? Similar reaction to Neo, COMING OUT OF THE TUNNEL!!!!

Trinity pissed

Trinity apoplectic

-Neo runs straight to Annabelle and kisses her. Trinity is apoplectic.

-Hackman’s speech in the huddle is that they are all very dangerous people. And as a result they call the play ‘kick-ass” and the Washington players just attack the Dallas players.

-The penalties leave them at the 1 yard line. The preacher man goes 99 yards on a screen for a TD. The TD he always wanted. Dallas 17-7.

-Neo scrambles, using some very Matrix like abilities to avoid tackles.

O.J. Simpson

Players are playing both ways. It’s what do or die football is all about. O.J., I mean the felon, is in at running back.

-TD Washington, 17-14, Dallas.

Michael Vick Appears in Court QM_l32zwMlOl

Michael Vick, I mean the felon, returning the punt looks like a young Ed Reed!

-The leg can tie it with a chip shot 32 yard field goal. He bet his pub as collateral. He has to miss this kick or lose the pub. Neo pulls the hold and runs for the TD! Trinity and Annabelle make out in celebration! Part of that is made up.

-Washington wins! No they don’t, of course the Hawaiian was called for holding.

-Neo wants the ball. Winners always do Morpheus, I mean Hackman, tells him.

-Post corner route to the deaf TE for a diving TD catch! Washington wins and goes to the playoffs!

-The Wallflowers “We can be Heroes” is the coronating anthem! Wait, why am I excited about that mellow barely rock song blasting? Did I get caught up in this movie? Have I become that soft? Fuck.

Trinity fighting sedation

Trinity fighting sedation

-Neo gets the girl. Morpheus has to sedate Trinity.

-Hackman ends the movie with a monologue about greatness. Eh. Didn’t need it. Then again this movie didn’t really need, well, to be made.

-Team celebration in the end zone dancing again to “I Will Survive”, still not the Cake version.

-Fuck it, the Cake version.

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