Join me an adventure, a flight of fancy, if you will, as we travel the globe fighting Nazi’s while looking for the rarest of antiquities. That’s right boys and girls, it’s playoff picture time, this time full of Indiana Jones quotes, pictures and even some YouTube clips! Marvel at the Ark, drink from the Grail and, of course, bask in the splendor of the Lombardi Trophy! It’s an Indy quote for every team! Let’s get started!
So this week this is going to be a little different. We are going to address each team individually in reverse order of my rankings that usually come out tomorrow! Don’t say I never got you anything!
Professor Henry Jones: “Our situation has not improved.”
San Francisco 49ers (3-8) – Sully Rank 32 of 32 – Like the when Indy and Henry discovered they were in a Nazi stronghold the 49ers are similarly finding themselves outnumbered and under gunned against the rest of the NFL.
Marcus Brody: “Indy, Henry, follow me. I know the way. Ha!” Professor Henry Jones: “Got lost in his own museum, eh?” Indiana Jones: “Uh-huh.”
Cleveland Browns (2-9) – Sully Rank 31 of 32 – Like Marcus Brody getting lost in his own museum the Browns are a franchise adrift with seemingly no idea where they are or where they are going.
Maj. Eaton: We have top men working on it right now. Indiana Jones: Who? Maj. Eaton: Top… men.
Tennessee Titans (2-9) – Sully Rank 30 of 32 – Who is working to make the Titans better? Does anyone know? Is Marcus Mariota doomed to languish in a warehouse full of other secret treasures never to again see the light of day? Probably.
Indiana Jones: “Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”
San Diego Chargers (3-8) – Sully Rank 29 of 32 – The people of San Diego are reacting just like this to the Chargers of 2015 between the injuries, the potential move to Los Angeles they are as ugly as the melting corpses of the Nazi’s who opened the Ark of the Covenant.
Indiana Jones: “I’m like a bad penny, I always turn up.”
Baltimore Ravens (4-7) – Sully Rank 28 of 32 – Here the injury ravaged Ravens are again, almost playoff relevant despite Matt Schaub in all his glory throwing pick 6s.
Indiana Jones: “You want to talk to God? Let’s go see him together, I’ve got nothing better to do.”
New Orleans Saints (4-7) – Sully Rank 27 of 32 – The Saints really have nothing better to do than go talk to God because they sure aren’t going into the playoffs and Sean Payton and Drew Brees are both likely leaving the team.
Indiana Jones: “The hell you will. He’s got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. Brody’s got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he’ll blend in, disappear, you’ll never see him again. With any luck, he’s got the grail already.”
Philadelphia Eagles (4-7) – Sully Rank 26 of 32 – Is what people were saying about the Eagles before the season started.
Marcus Brody: Uhhh, does anyone here speak English?
Is what people are asking about the Eagles now.
Indiana Jones: “Dad, we’re well out of range.”
Dallas Cowboys (3-8) – Sully Rank 25 of 32 – Despite the Cowboys greatest efforts to convince everyone otherwise they are well out of the range of the playoffs. or are they?
Short Round: “I keep telling you, you listen to me more, you live longer!”
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7) – Sully Rank 24 of 32 – I feel like I’ve acknowledged the Jags blueprint is in good shape, but they seem to have fallen in love far too much with the pass. If they were becoming the ground and pound team I think they can become they could be in the lead in the AFC South. Which isn’t saying a lot, but they would be in the playoffs.
Marion: “We never seem to get a break, do we?”
Detroit Lions (4-7) – Sully Rank 23 of 32 – The poor football fans of the Lions never seem to catch a break. even having Barry Sanders never got them to the promised land and they sure as shit aren’t going there in 2015.
Grail Knight: “He chose poorly.”
St. Louis Rams (4-7) – Sully Rank 22 of 32 – I’m just going to say it, for all the talent on that defense and the playmaking potential on that offense head coach Jeff Fisher chose poorly in his QB. Which begs the question was the choice of Fisher also a poor choice? Yes.
Indiana Jones: “No ticket.”
Miami Dolphins (4-7) – Sully Rank 21 of 32 – The Jets tossed the Dolphins out of the playoff zeppelin last week.
Professor Henry Jones: “You left just when you were becoming interesting.”
Buffalo Bills (5-6) – Sully Rank 20 of 32 – Had the Bills showed up against the Chiefs they would have been interesting going forward, but they didn’t and so now who gives a shit about them.
Indiana Jones: “I can get it. I can almost reach it, Dad…” Professor Henry Jones: “Indiana.” Professor Henry Jones: “Indiana… let it go.”
Indianapolis Colts (6-5) – Sully Rank 19 of 32 – The Colts without Andrew Luck really should have taken this season to grab a higher pick and build the roster because of the number of holes all over it. Instead they are trying to get into the playoffs and then bring back Luck and they should really just let it go like Indy had to let the Grail go.
Professor Henry Jones: “Stop. You’re going the wrong way.”
Atlanta Falcons (6-5) – Sully Rank 18 of 32 – The playoffs are one direction and the Falcons are going quite the opposite direction, like Indy driving away from Berlin, when they needed his Dad’s Grail Diary.
Short Round: “Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We’ve got company.”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-6) – Sully Rank 17 of 32 – The Bucs are in the playoffs right now, but can’t fall in love with that now because they have plenty of company all around them.
Walter Donovan: “We’re just one step away. Indiana Jones: “That’s usually when the ground falls out from underneath your feet.”
New York Giants (5-6) – Sully Rank 16 of 32 – The Giants had the chance to secure a big lead in their division, coming off a bye and the ground fell out from below they feet.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: “Don’t toy with me, Dr. Jones. What is the point of all this?”
Chicago Bears (5-6) – Sully Rank 15 of 32 – I’m starting to believe in the Bears as 2015 playoff team. While I’ve believed in the Bears as an up and coming franchise I had no idea the turnaround would be this quick. But don’t tease me, prove you can do it!
Marcus Brody: “And you’re meddling with powers you can’t possibly comprehend.”
New York Jets (6-5) – Sully Rank 14 of 32 – I don’t think the Jets really know what making the playoffs with Ryan Fitzpatrick as your QB and a first year head coach is going to mean for their expectations going in year 2016 and beyond. It’s best for them if they end up missing.
Professor Henry Jones: “This is a new experience for me.”
Oakland Raiders (5-6) – Sully Rank 13 of 32 – The Raiders haven’t sniffed the playoffs in what seems like forever, so it makes sense that they stubbed their toe the last couple of weeks. They aren’t out of it though. They can recover and still make, but they need to be back to their identity of a few weeks ago.
Indiana Jones: “What a vivid imagination.”
Washington Redskins (5-6) – Sully Rank 12 of 32 – The Redskins, aren’t playoff team anywhere but in their imagination, oh, and the NFC East because SOMEONE has to win.
Sallah: “Oh, my friends! I’m so pleased you’re not dead!”
Houston Texans (6-5) – Sully Rank 11 of 32 – Watching JJ Watt and DeAndre Hopkins is fun and I’m so glad that I’ll be able to watch them in the playoffs, or I should be able to as long as this upswing continues.
Indiana Jones: “I can only say I’m sorry so many times.”
Green Bay Packers (7-4) – Sully Rank 10 of 32 – The Packers aren’t as good as they should be, and that relax comment from Aaron Rodgers is starting to look like something he should maybe apologize for.
Indiana Jones: “I don’t know, I’m making this up as I go!”
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5) – Sully Rank 9 of 32 – Between the carousel of quarterbacks and the going for 2 point conversions in odd situations Mike Tomlin is most certainly making this up as they go along.
Grail Knight: “Choose wisely, for while the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you.”
Kansas City Chiefs (6-5) – Sully Rank 8 of 32 – This quote applies to how Alex Smith plays and how Andy Reid coaches. Smith tends to choose wisely in his throws and his scramble decisions. It’s never flashy, but in choosing wisely he has brought the Chiefs back to playoff life. Reid has tended to make poor coaching decisions that have cost the Chiefs and formerly the Eagles their playoff life.
Elsa: “I’ll never forget how vonderful it vas.”
Denver Broncos (9-2) – Sully Rank 7 of 32 – And neither will the Broncos forget how wonderful it was to beat the Patriots last week.
Katanga: “He has to be here somewhere. Look again.”
Seattle Seahawks (6-5) – Sully Rank 6 of 32 – There the Seahawks are, they were hiding in the gallows of the ship and when it came time to reveal themselves they did so by winning a shootout against a good team at home.
Indiana Jones: “Oh, Marcus, what are you trying to do? Scare me? You sound like my mother. We’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t believe in magic, a lot of superstitious hocus-pocus. I’m going after a find of incredible historical significance. You’re talking about the boogie-man. Besides, you know what a cautious fellow I am.”
Minnesota Vikings (8-3) – Sully Rank 5 of 32 – The Vikings play a pretty cautious game of solid defense and ball control, but when push comes to shove they pack a serious punch when they give the ball to Adrian Peterson, much like the 6 shooter Indy packs for every adventure.
Professor Henry Jones: “And in this sort of race, there’s no silver medal for finishing second.”
Cincinnati Bengals (9-2) – Sully Rank 4 of 32 – The Bengals have come home the bridesmaid and never the bride far too often under the stewardship of Marvin Lewis. They need a playoff run that may not result in a Super Bowl title, but anything short of an AFC championship game, where they play well even if they lose, is a failure.
Indiana Jones: “Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.”
Arizona Cardinals (9-2) – Sully Rank 3 of 32 – There isn’t a more appropriate quote for a more appropriate team. Bruce Arians is all about the fortune and glory, not only of a Super Bowl championship, but of doing it his way in his style which is all about hitting the glory of the deep pass.
Professor Henry Jones: “My son, we’re pilgrims in an unholy land.”
New England Patriots (10-1) – Sully Rank 2 of 32 – It has become obvious that no one outside of the Patriots and their fans want them to win this year in the NFL.
Brody: “The Bible speaks of the Ark leveling mountains and laying waste in entire regions. An Army that carries the Ark before it… is invincible.”
Carolina Panthers (11-0) – Sully Rank 1 of 32 – Right now the Panthers look like a team carrying the Ark before them as they look poised to run the table and end the year 16-0.