Fantastic Filth

I love TV and film. I spent what most would describe as too much time watching and considering these universes. I do most of that consideration with Jay. Sometimes that consideration is poignant. Sometimes its a back and forth dialogue. Then there was the tweet below….

Sometimes I just text Jay, for the entire length of a movie without expecting a response. That’s what I did below. He popped in once or twice, but for the most part I left his stuff out because it didn’t really change the review or he stopped paying attention and responding.

Oh, and its filthy. So kiddos click away because those warnings always work on the internet right?

6:45 PM – going for it. Fantastic Four.

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6:53 PM – this off the fucking rails already. how did they get 3 minutes into shooting this and not go what the fuck are we doing?

Taken minutes after the first dialogue was heard out loud.

Taken minutes after the first dialogue was heard out loud.

7:04 PM – oh no a redeeming quality for you. Johnny Storm is drag racing an MR2.

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7:10 PM – this is an attempt at “lets make X-men First Class, but with Fantastic Four.” and what it is turning into is a pile fantastic shit from the anal cavities of 4 dogs who ate way too much red meat, bran, and broccoli.

7:28 PM – now it feels like the Fantastic Mr. Fox took a shit on top of the triceratops pile of shit that those 4 dogs left 20 minutes ago.

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7:40 PM – now they are like “we can save this, we can save it with great effects. bring in the great effects clean up crew, all those brooms from Fantasia.” That’ll do the trick, but this pile of shit is way too big for merely brooms, oh and they’re not Disney.

7:47 PM – now they have Sue Storm running through every Marvel females hair style because THATS what made those movies profitable.

maxresdefault x-men-rogue-anna-paquin

 

 

 

 

Jay Hanson – 7:54 PM
Hahahahaha this is excellent to read all at once

Michael Sullivan – 7:59 PM
now this LOST WE HAVE TO GO BACK moment is going to result with Von Doom puking on top of that pile of shit. not watery, I’ve got the flu puke, but violent I ate bad Chinese food after 5 scorpion bowls, foul smelling, chunky puke.

Jay Hanson – 8:00 PM
Hahahahahahahahahahaha dude

Michael Sullivan – 8:01 PM
and what’s with casting this short guy to be in charge. Is it “we cast the little person from Game of Thrones as Trask so let’s find a short guy to play a similar role and have the crazy, sort of good, sort of bad implicated character kill him”

Trask 4205721_tim-blake-nelson-talks-fantastic-four-reshoots_3d99ad0f_m

 

 

 

 

8:06 PM – they seem to be taking every beat from first class and just doing it.

Someone on the internet even made this picture!

Someone on the internet even made this picture!

8:09 PM – oh god. I mean now they are like creating Doom as Galactus Destroyer of World’s. and there is a big portal in the sky with shit from Earth flying into it. apparently we have entered the Avengers portion of this rip off.

8:12 PM – Jesus. that was pretty close to an A-Team ripoff. Reed Richards folks, aka Hannibal smith! Johnny Storm as Murdock, Sue Storm as face and debuting Ben Grimm as BA Baracus, minus the chains.

8:15 PM – hey the heroes saved the day, made it through the portal just before it closed and left a huge hole on the ground. Maybe they can take the pile of shit that’s been accumulating and fill in that whole and grow something worth while. Probably not. No way that shit has any worth as fertilizer.

8:16 PM – holy fuck they just had a big Civil War style discussion with the government and bargained for a “huge space to work” got one called “Central City” how has DC not sued them?

8:17 PM – is it over? I’m seeing credits but I’m not sure I’ve wasted enough of my life yet.

8:18 PM – I really expected to see a directed by Joel Schumacher credit.

8:19 PM – oh they just paused the credits where the mid credit scene should be. it screamed here it comes, but they knew how bad the movie was so they bailed on it.

8:19 PM – oh god this movie is dedicated to the memory of someone. that poor guy and his family.

8:21 PM – this is worse than X-Men Last Stand. at least that had the bonus of seeing Kelsey Grammer as Beast and Ellen Page is hot.

8:23 PM – I can say two nice things about stuff that is related to this movie. 1. They cast Querns from Oz in the “dad/professor x” role. 2. Kate Mara is great in We Are Marshall. Fuck it. I’ll make it 3. Michael B. Jordan is great in Friday Night Lights and The Wire.

8:25 PM – Soundtrack has a song titled, Ready or Not. No one was ready for this. Couldn’t be. I mean I have been prepared to take shits in my life, but never have I ever been prepared to fill the bowl repeatedly for hours with the inability to wipe, flush or light a match.

8:26 PM – I should have lit some incense before this started because this has set comic book movie making back to the 70s when Superman wasn’t in a wheel chair. (incense was popular then right? with lava lamps and shag carpet. god this movie would have stunk up a shag carpet.)

8:31 PM – fuck I need a palate cleanser.

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